Since my blog is a little bit about everything I'd like to talk about my first love. Those who know me very well know him. You all know how much I loved him with all my heart, unconditionally. At 31 I can I understand the meaning to love unconditionally.
We met when I was in highschool. He was about two or three years older than me. My cousin was dating his neighbor and they thought we would be perfect for each other. I was shy then. I was very naive, sheltered, conservative. My parents were hard core when it came to me and dating and how a woman should be behave.
He had my heart. I can even remember how he told me he loved me. The first and last time I ever had a guy or man (whatever you wanna call them) tell me he loved me. We were talking on the phone during our late night talks. I lived in an old wooden home then, I was like 15. We were talking on the phone and I had this joy in my heart and I recall whispering to him that I think I liked him...he responded with "I don't" lol, it was kinda funny I felt like holy moley! Then he followed it with, "I think I love you." My heart melted, my heart began to beat as fast as it could. From then on we were inseparable.
He was the love of my life. Tall, dark and handsome. He always surprised me with gifts. We had our Friday movie nights and dates. Since I was raised very traditional with conservative values, I was always home no later than midnight. Our relationship lasted about 8 years, it began when I was a month or two shy of 15 and he was 17. We did almost everything together. I supported him in everything that he wanted to do. I wanted to just be the best girlfriend ever. I got to meet his family and they made me and included me as one of the family. We were both deeply in love with one another. He had his ambitions and I had mine, my education. Upon graduation of highschool he proposed marriage on me but my father declined the proposal. He told him he had to have something to offer me. Three proposals later I was engaged and to be married on February 17, 2004 I think. I had a nice fancy ring that I loved playing J. Lo's Jenny from the Block song. It was so me. With all the happiness and joy we had things just got different. As I matured, our relationship began to take different turn. I mentioned I was naive right? Well, in every relationship there is always a downfall...
The guy I loved with all my heart, the guy that I was about to spend the rest of my life with had cheated on me. The betrayal was beyond hurtful. Obviously, our engagement was broken off. I would have been 9 years married to date. Thank God! You see, it was the most painful part of my life. Loving someone with all my heart and to be living in a lie. Marriage is sacred for me and to know that my future husband could be unfaithful to me before marriage I only saw misery in my future. Years after I tried to heal. To be honest, I had just began the healing process in 2008. It took me being the bigger person to forgive him. He broke my heart in to many pieces that I felt like there was no way in patching it back up again. I can't seem to understand why he did what he did. I was the perfect woman, loved him and I did not just say it I showed it. I have forgiven him in 2009 and I have peace in my heart.
Today, I find myself understanding my failed relationships. My faith in God keeps in me optimistic but like any woman we are always trying to understand whether it was something we did or could have done better. Men these days do not have appreciation for women. Our world lacks gentlemen. But there is one thing for sure, I had experienced what love is and could be. I know now what I don't want but what I need in my love life. God knows the desires of my heart and I pray each day that he blesses me. With that, I have to be patient. I have to trust that the Lord will bless me. I am certain that he will because it will take a special kind of man to be with me - a beautiful, assertive, loving, caring and ambitious woman. Women, don't lose faith in love. Look at me. I dedicated most of my young life to a man who could not love me as much. But I am optimistic that I will walk down the aisle one day in a beautiful gown. I promise you will too.
Peace and Love.
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